Everyday Observations From the Guy You Annoy

I’m going to throw out a new idea for everyone to ponder.  If you don’t like it, tough, I’m going to do it anyway.  Also, I think it is going to lead to free things for me, so I’ve got to give it a shot.  Once a week I’m going to give a shout out to a local restaurant and give them a high-five for a dish they make that I couldn’t live without.  Maybe I’m watching too much Food Network, but I really want to get some of these places out there so you readers can see we have more options than “Steak and Potatoes”…  and mexican food. 

This Week: 

Bolero Tapas Bar and Grill –  Normally, I would scoff at their menu as pretentious and over-priced, but then I tried the goat cheese and honey.  They suggest it as an appetizer, but i would eat it for that or even dessert.  The other tapas are good too, I liked the scallops quite a bit, but this is the dish that would make me come back for more.  Especially on their “Tapas Thursdays” where they serve free tapas and have drink specials.

MY NEWEST FEAR:

We all know that I have several fears, some rational like heights or elevators, others that are irrational like demonic possession or that my entire existence is just a dream some random guy is having, but we’ll add a new one to the list under RATIONAL…

The more I read things on the internet (social networks especially) and in text messages, the more I fear that our whole civilization is forgetting how to spell and basic concepts of grammar.  Maybe I just hold everyone to a higher standard because I have an English degree and thought all of this was common sense, so I’m just going to list how important all this is, and why I spend so much of my time secretly judging those who mess up the following (these are the biggest pet peeves):

1.  If you don’t know the difference between THERE, THEIR, and THEY’RE your grandmother hates you.  If your grandmother is dead, THERE is a good chance she and Jesus are discussing THEIR mutual hatred for you, and THEY’RE pretty sure you are hopeless.
2. Please figure out the difference between YOUR and YOU’RE.  If I get one more reply to something I said that says YOUR retarded, I’m gonna puke.  All that makes me think is “My retarded what?”
3. VERB TENSE, VERB TENSE, VERB TENSE…  You have never boughten anything!!!  You’ve bought several things…
4. DOUBLE NEGATIVES make a positive…  If you don’t go nowhere, then you are really saying you go everywhere.
5. I’m making sure the good Lord reserves a special place in hell for anyone who does not text me in complete words, or without punctuation.  I need the message to impart information, not be a riddle.  I’m not in it to play MAD LIBS…
6. Finally, with the advent of technology, there is no excuse for misspellings.  If you are unsure of how to spell something, open a word document and give it a shot.  It will tell you if it is correct or not.  The red lines aren’t just for decoration.

Of course, I’m a little more lenient on our friends across the pond.  I don’t feel I can judge them given that they did invent the language…

First and foremost, I would like to apologize to the five of you who check this thing waiting for new posts.  I’m sorry, but I’ve been bunkered down in the old bomb shelter waiting for the weather to blow over, just like Gary England said to do.  I’ve got a couple things on my mind today so I figured I’d throw it all into one post.

Parking Lot Etiquette

I don’t know how many of you out there have a situation like mine, but where I work I have two spots reserved only for patrons of my company, and about 15 spots for the Starbucks next door.  Normally we coexist in the same lot without much interference (except for the wafting of espresso scents into my office all day), but here lately Starbucks patrons have gotten a bit lazy, and I might have to make my stand.  Abotu two times a day some Edmondonian decides to park in front of my location and saunter their designer impostered purses, scarves, and boots over to Starbucks for their morning (or afternoon) fix.  Meanwhile, somebody’s grandmother has to hoof it from our back forty (more like 15) so they can stop in to the store.  I could look past it if it weren’t for how the situation comes to a close.  It always ends with the Edmondonian sitting in there car, taking a nice long suckle from Starbuck’s recycled paper and post-consumer plastic teat, then looking into my store at me and giving me a smug little smile, like they got one over on me.  Jokes on them, I’m gonna make the Pegasaurus dress up like a giant cellphone and harass them from now on.  Might even cover their windshields with collateral.

My New Neighbor

I’ll let the cat out of the bag, I’ve applied for a position within my company that could have me move quite a distance from home.  If all goes according to plan I could end up in Knoxville, TN.  I’m in the process of interviewing and all that goes through our corporate office.  Well, I got an email last week Friday saying I was to interview Monday (yesterday) in Knoxville at 11 am.  Obviously, there was no way to make it as I was still in the bunker, and Hell had literally frozen over.  I called up the person setting all this up and was informed I could also interview in Iowa if that was more convenient…  I’m thinking somebody needs a map.  I’m two states away from either place.  This isn’t like jumping into the car and heading to Dallas.  Knoxville is 13 hours away, and Iowa, well, does anyone even care?  Just goes to show you, poor old Oklahoma, nobody knows where we are…  I think we’re the easiest to spot too, we look like a pot.

So the world will be ending here in Oklahoma at some point in the next 24 hours; if our local weather men are to be believed.  It’s hard to tell anymore, since every storm is a major “weather event”…  What on earth is that?  It’s rain, snow, sleet, wind, thunderstorms not something smug like a “weather event”.  Lewis Black was right, it isn’t something I’m going to buy tickets to attend.  The worst part is that normal everyday people, good people, people who have every right to grow old and sit on a porch and discuss the weather (which is our right in OK), are now walking around sounding smug talking about how they “hope this little ice event doesn’t ruin a perfectly good weekend”.  really?  What are you going to do this weekend, sit around and smell your own farts?  That’s what I imagine smug people doing, thanks to South Park, it helps me cope…